Why hello there, LJ, it is I, your occasional patron scarlet-city. What an odd thing, to go so long without an entry because nothing in my life changes except the walls that surround me, and then - one day, everything starts changing. It's all in the process still, so I can't say with certainty, and yet...
I lost my job in mid-March due to scheduling conflicts - but I start my new one on Monday, in Huntington Beach, as an IT intern. Learning, all there is is learning: how to be a better person, how to keep a job, all the things I need to know to pass the A+ exams.
I lost Laurel in September when she went to Britain, in my mind having grand adventures, and though she must return to Berkeley she doesn't want to. And who would? I'm sure Britain is a much more interesting place especially to American girls who have no sense of patriotism. But I found a new friend, a guy at my school named Eric, and I wouldn't have imagined but I'm no longer pining for Laurel. I'm too busy having awesome times with him, even these things we call words seem fresh and captivating more than they did before, when I'm with him.
I lost my home in October 2009, and have been moving since then, fighting not to be in these boring, life-stealing mountains - but with this job, I will save enough money, even earn enough money, to live on my own. Not only that, but of course all my desires are just out of reach - I found my "home," a beautiful, safe, clean, mesmerizingly adorable apartment just around the corner from my school. It is surprisingly affordable, given Orange County's propensity for lavish, exorbitantly expensive studios. (It's actually a one bedroom but shh.) Nevertheless, I cannot afford it... yet.
But one thing never changes: My dad really never stops being a huge asshole. In trying not to return to the mountains I have on a few occasions slept in my car, because I am not allowed at his house, and I hate to disturb Rory more than necessary. When I try to tell him this, it's like he doesn't hear me. Worse, I told him recently that a security guard asked why I was there (sleeping in the parking lot of my dad's hospital) to which I explained I was my dad's daughter with nowhere to go, and my dad told me this knowledge irritated and distracted him, and that it wasn't my business to connect him with me in such a situation. (This was actually a test on my mom's part to see his reaction and didn't actually happen, and damn if it didn't show his true colors.)
He also said that no, Sandy didn't want to talk to me and try to reconcile our strained relationship so that I could stay at their house. Needless to say that when I asked him for help hoping he would help get me an apartment, I was denied. He has basically cast me out, and he thinks he's in the right for it, and paints me as the bad guy. Of course it's my fault for being different and wanting piercings and tattoos. Of course it's my fault for getting Bs occasionally when I should have all As. Of course I'm the one who must have instigated this rift with Sandy and she never did anything to warrant my dislike, and she's perfectly justified in keeping me away from my father as much as possible. I must be the poisonous influence that will constrict their family and thus I must at all costs never see their children because I will corrupt them to a life of horror and trash.
I lost my dad when he married my stepmom, and he isn't going to come back.
As far as my actual life goes, I am succeeding! I have been exercising, and while it feels like I've lapsed, at the same time I am actually getting somewhere with it! I noticed in my Dec 16 post that I was at 139, and as of today I am around 135! 90% of my pants fit, and some shirts I couldn't wear before I can wear now. It is so... gratifying that I can do this correctly. I am so proud! :D
I am picking up guitar again because I feel as though I can learn it, and I'm tired of not having any sort of skills. I want to be able to do this well... Hopefully I can do it. (I even trimmed my nails so damn short for it... Sacrifice, if you knew how long I let my nails get.)
Fingers crossed, for real this time.
(Yeah, it's been a while.)
I have to speak my mind and rant and things because I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. Well, except Laurel, but she isn't as far as I am and I don't want to spoil her.
A few days ago I started watching The Vampire Diaries. Before I watched it I thought that it would be sort of stupid: poorly written, a story that hopped on the Twilight bandwagon, sappy, more romance than anything... I was mostly wrong. It brings back the original intent of vampire romances and some bits that were standard about vampire and werewolf fiction. I like this. It even introduces some things that are pretty original, like vervain and the lack of effects of silver, which I also like. In fact, up until a few episodes ago, I really liked this show. But then it sort of...devolved (but only in a way that is particular to me).
TVD is a story about Elena Gilbert, a normal human high school girl, and two vampire brothers, Stefan and Damon Salvatore. For the first half of season one, Stefan and Elena court each other while dealing with the drama of Stefan's vampirism and the fact that Damon arrives to make Stefan's life a living Hell. Elena is a pretty standard everygirl-type character, ex-cheerleader, kind, thoughtful, pacifistic, really quite boring, though she starts out going through hard times since she's just lost her parents in a car crash that she happened to survive. In this state of loss and uncertainty she meets Stefan, who is as enigmatic and brooding as he is kind and in love with her. They begin courting and shit happens because Stefan's brother Damon is the yin to Stefan's yang: murderous, sociopathic, snarky, and
sexy. Enter the reason I watch this show (it's the same reason I watched Heroes but shh, that is better left forgotten.)
The short story is, I loved this show when it involved Damon - who by the way is played by none other than Ian Somerhalder, who was practically born to play an evil snarky smoking hot vampire - being antagonistic and immoral. His life consisted of hedonism; taking everything he wanted, including killing anyone he felt like and laughing about it. Also occasionally being tortured. But in the way of stories told by people who are not me or Laurel... This didn't last long. Oh, did I mention he's also the biggest badass ever? Seriously. That never changes. He is always being impulsive and violent even when he isn't psycho. So I should be grateful. But two-thirds into season one he starts falling in love with Elena, who is so damn boring, and it just drives me insane that such a good show is being ruined by this love triangle that really isn't one because Stefan and Elena work well and are in love and this really shouldn't change. Damon is awesome and putting him together with Elena is just so not going to work, nor does it seem like it will happen and stick, but the writers insist on teasing it and dramatizing it and making him do the fucking puppy-dog-eyes that just don't work for his character!
I forgot to mention something. I really like almost everyone in this show, and most of the couples work extra well and I even ship some of them. Stefan and Elena belong together. Caroline and Matt belong together and are utterly adorable. Alaric and Jenna are great. Jeremy and Vicki (before she died) worked well, and Jeremy and Anna (before she died) worked even better. The only couple I really do not get or support is Elena and Damon. Sure, I know why the writers are doing this. Normal people want to see the so-called "bad boy" soften up and find love. I get that. I just... hate it. I just want my psycho back. I miss him. He may still be the biggest badass on the show, but all these ooh-I-have-feelings moments just gag me. Why couldn't he just be evil all the time? I mean, if he were dead it might be better. Then I wouldn't have to groan and mentally throw things and yell at my screen because Elena is just not good enough for him.
But no. I get my moments of badassery, but they are few are far between when this season is pretty much running on the whole "I love you, Elena" shtick. Sigh. I would cross my fingers, but... I've been here. I know how it ends.
(Ah, it pleases me to write an entry with an LJ banner of shooting stars... How appropriate for my Gundam Wing watching!)
I noticed that I lapsed in posting again, which is a trend now... And yet my life is slightly more eventful than it used to be! Or so it seems now, though I have an established routine. To wit: Laurel and I have decided to cosplay as Rei and Mari from Evangelion, respectively, but in order for me to do that I have to lose at least 5 dress sizes. (I'm a size 12.) I want to look appropriately "sexy" as Mari; nothing is worse than a fat girl cosplaying as a hot chick and failing. o_o
So I asked my dad for an exercise bike for Christmas, and I got it! Since I asked early and he gave me money to order it, which is what he does, I went ahead and ordered it ASAP, and in two weeks it arrived. That was on Thursday. Since Friday I have been exercising twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening, for at least 45 minutes each time, and supposedly according to the scale in my bathroom I was at 141 when I started, and now I'm at 139, and even attributing one pound to water fluctuation that is still a good sign! I am so doing this until I reach my goal!!! Rawr!!
That's the good news. The bad news is, my laptop is dying, as the title does indicate. I had 4 blue screens of death in a 12 hour span today, and my battery won't charge so I'm constantly at 5% capacity. Not to mention the goddamn Google search redirect virus I caught downloading Touhou games, that just won't die! Working on that. I really want it to go away.
I am not even near the money I need for the laptop I am hoping to buy, and I hope that I can manage to limp my way there with the one I've got... But we'll see. :/
My mom is an amazing woman. I don't know if I have ever mentioned that here, but it is the truest thing I could say. She is patient when dealing with me, and caring, and listens when I need to talk... I doubt anyone could procure a better parent or person than her.
I will start over. This evening is the weekly get-together among fellow Shack employees to play the tabletop RP Shadowrun. It's my manager Benjamin, a stoic bear of a man, David, a fellow exuberant (and cute) geek, and Tera, a reserved girl who, despite being a reformed WoW gamer, never strikes me as particularly nerdy. I like both David and Tera as friends, and had asked a couple of times before if Daid were interested in hanging out. He said yes, but it never came of anything. Today I found out that he and Tera had gone to see a movie on Monday, and this spoiled the rest of my evening as I was too busy being a bit hurt and jealous to enjoy any of the activities. This is a common factor in my operation, and it was when my mom came to talk about it with me that I started to think a little more critically about this.
I was hurt because David chose Tera over me. This is an obvious choice, especially when, as my mom put it, "If you have the option of a 'maybe' or a 'sure thing', which are you going to go for? The sure thing, of course." I am a confusing person - honestly, I confuse the hell out of myself more even than I do other people. I am a girl, but I act masculine. Okay, I should therefore be a lesbian... but I'm not. Guys don't know how to approach me, especially as I go out of my way to be unapproachable. So in instances like this, the guy goes for the likelier prospect: feminine, cute, approachable Tera. I didn't even want this guy to want to date me or anything. I just wanted to be friends... But in acting like one of the guys, I secured my own downfall. This has happened numerous times now.
When talking to my mom, she always shows me these things that I didn't know I wasn't seeing. Why, of course, I am afraid of men and sex and relationships. Of course I put up walls so I don't get hurt. And when she learns things about me that I prefer not to talk about with her - that women disgust me and that is why I want to be a man, or, in other words, I can't be a man but I can't not be a woman - she doesn't despair of me. I told her that the last thing I ever wanted was to disappoint her, and she just smiled and hugged me and assured me that I could not possibly disappoint her, ever. Which to me is the Holy Grail of words ever said to me.
My thoughts escape me now, and I have sort of made myself cry. (Such a wimp.) The gist of the end is that she suggested I talk to someone about my inner turmoil and confusion, and that perhaps it will help. I may indeed pursue this.
I am a bit ridiculous. I update quite sporadically it seems, at least as of this year. I don't really know what I use this blog for, except somewhat as a record of myself and somewhat just because I like making it look pretty and having a place to put fanlistings. :p (Oh noes, there goes my secret...)
I have a job. It's at the RadioShack up in the mountains, at first in Blue Jay and now in Crestline permanently. It's pretty great, I've met a few friends working there, even from the Ace side of the shop. At first I lamented it because the shop itself is dirty and strange and Crestline is full of weirdos, but it's growing on me. Next Saturday we are allowed to wear our Halloween costumes to work. <3 I really love havinga job, though. Money allows me to move on with my life. Fancy that!
Since I started working it feels a bit like I don't have enough time for things... Mostly recreational things, I think. Like there are around five different TV shows I want to watch, but don't really have time to get to them. I did start House, though. It is, of course, brilliant and amazing, and I have no idea how it has stayed on the air for this long! Most of the shows I like don't last long. Or they are too smart for the general public... House and Mentalist, I'm looking at you. o.o
Interestingly (sort of) I have started a diet/paradigm shift in the last week. I guess it's called the 11-Day Diet? It involves eating four meals a day of deli meats, fresh fruits, nuts, and some vegetables, for eleven days. You can then take three days to eat whatever you like and start it over again. Supposedly my mom lost nine pounds when she did it the first eleven days. It's hard, and at the same time it's pretty easy. I will likely make it through at least one session. I really hope it works. ^^; It's weird how clean my system feels... Actually, I don't know that I feel that yet. My mind feels cleaner, in a way, though, hahahaha. (Not like that. :p)
My mom finally met Daniel, and agrees with me that he doesn't feel like a creeper. I have been hanging out with him quite a bit, and she says that he may have a crush on me, but she always seems to say that... I can't decide if the "boy who cried wolf" aspect makes it likelier to be true, or less. It doesn't matter though, because I enjoy his company and I'm not going to stop hanging out with him just because of that. Also, in a sideways-related note, I went to Knott's Scary Farm/Haunt for the first time on the 3rd, and it was awesome. We have plans to go on the 31st, and I am quite excited! He does know how to put together a damn fine party.
I look forward to the other news I'll have, like how Aurora's birthday is going to turn out, and the plans we have for Christmas... Ah! For some reason I was reminded that I began reading Lovecraft, courtesy of Daniel. Surprisingly (or possibly un), Lovecraft's verbosity is genius when he tells a story like he does. Win!
Also, I love my silly tags.
AHAHAHAHA I HAVE TRANSCENDED DORKINESS INTO SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY.
What? Well - I have no idea. But it's dorky !!
I am utterly exploding with squee because my partner-in-crime odtwistofevents
and I have begun the most amazing
It doesn't quite have a title yet, which is surprising since we usually do that before ever setting pen to paper, but we have about 8 pages written so far and that's only the introduction! Ahh, but it is glorious. I'm sure we will be finished enough to post Chapter 1 soon. Very, very soon.
The fic is set in the Whoniverse, and follows the points-of-view of the Eleventh Doctor, Amy, and Rory; an updated version of the Rani; an updated version of the Valeyard; Jeremy Baines / Son of Mine from "Human Nature" / "The Family of Blood", and Hollis St. Clair, an original character. Since it's us, you can expect humor, badassery, torture, and slash - but probably not all at once. Then again... It is us.
As for home life, I moved back to the mountains to live with my mom; we may have found our own house to live in *crosses fingers*, and for the moment my car is good. I have to consolidate my classes again, sigh, but such is the price of having friends at school. And that's okay. I still have no job, but I will check in with my aunt and perhaps she will deign to allow me to work for her. I have no idea which way the wind is blowing in regards to this, but I am hoping for the best.
It's possible that when Laurel returns from Britland I will become her roommate for her last semester at Berkeley. This excites me to no end, but it certainly feels like a far-off dream, both in terms of time and money. But thinking positive - I am told it is a good idea.:p
P.S. Oh yes, I don't know if I ever mentioned it but - Classic Who is made of win, at least 4's era is, but as research we started watching "Mark of the Rani" and OH GOD THE IDIOT BALL KILLS. And it makes me sad that anything Who-related can be utterly horrific, but 6's era is. WHYYYY MUST GOOD VILLAINS GO TO WASTE ON YOU, 6?! *deep breath* D: At least the Master and the Rani ham it up for some laughs. :p
It's funny that this year I actually had plans that didn't involve my family for Independence Day. And that actually involved alcohol hahaha.
Rory and I went to Daniel's parents' house and it was much less awkward than we expected; the four of us - we two, Daniel, and Zee - basically sat on his lawn and amused ourselves for six hours via talking, drinking sake and Dr. Pepper, and lighting some ground fireworks. Stuff blowing up and being shiny! It was great. I will definitely be doing this next year (give or take some details).
As of late, I am still jobless and unemployment-less and living in Rachel's house. I ordered some new mirrored glass for my passenger side mirror, and whacked the casing back on, and touched up various scratches on my car with my little vial of emergency red car paint. It looks better than it did with naked mirror electrics. :P
Things are still very in limbo. I am basically living day-to-day, and it is kind of exciting... in a negative way. I hope things perk up soon.
New Who really never fails to elate me. (Actually, since I started watching Four's time on the show, old Who consisitently amazes me too.) But really - Steven Moffat is a genius, no doubt, and with Matt Smith and his Doctor, I'm pretty convinced that everything they put their minds to will turn to gold.
For example, I was surfing the Web and stumbled upon an article on Digital Spy
in which Matt Smith explains a bit about the Doctor, and it is just so... solid, reassuring, affirmative. I don't know. Brilliant, definitely.
"Steven Moffat, who's just the most brilliant writer, told me when I first met him that the interesting thing, the defining thing, about The Doctor is that he never quite knows what's going to come out of his mouth in any given situation."
Smith continued: "His thoughts just combust spontaneously . I've tried to harness the brain-to-mouth rapidity. I mean, you could think about it forever, but how do you play the most charismatic man in the universe? It's a real challenge.
"If you play him constantly charismatic, he instantly loses the charisma. Of course, really charismatic people don't have to do a thing. They just are. I'm still finding my way on that one, but I like to think it gives me something creative to play with."