My mom is an amazing woman. I don't know if I have ever mentioned that here, but it is the truest thing I could say. She is patient when dealing with me, and caring, and listens when I need to talk... I doubt anyone could procure a better parent or person than her.
I will start over. This evening is the weekly get-together among fellow Shack employees to play the tabletop RP Shadowrun. It's my manager Benjamin, a stoic bear of a man, David, a fellow exuberant (and cute) geek, and Tera, a reserved girl who, despite being a reformed WoW gamer, never strikes me as particularly nerdy. I like both David and Tera as friends, and had asked a couple of times before if Daid were interested in hanging out. He said yes, but it never came of anything. Today I found out that he and Tera had gone to see a movie on Monday, and this spoiled the rest of my evening as I was too busy being a bit hurt and jealous to enjoy any of the activities. This is a common factor in my operation, and it was when my mom came to talk about it with me that I started to think a little more critically about this.
I was hurt because David chose Tera over me. This is an obvious choice, especially when, as my mom put it, "If you have the option of a 'maybe' or a 'sure thing', which are you going to go for? The sure thing, of course." I am a confusing person - honestly, I confuse the hell out of myself more even than I do other people. I am a girl, but I act masculine. Okay, I should therefore be a lesbian... but I'm not. Guys don't know how to approach me, especially as I go out of my way to be unapproachable. So in instances like this, the guy goes for the likelier prospect: feminine, cute, approachable Tera. I didn't even want this guy to want to date me or anything. I just wanted to be friends... But in acting like one of the guys, I secured my own downfall. This has happened numerous times now.
When talking to my mom, she always shows me these things that I didn't know I wasn't seeing. Why, of course, I am afraid of men and sex and relationships. Of course I put up walls so I don't get hurt. And when she learns things about me that I prefer not to talk about with her - that women disgust me and that is why I want to be a man, or, in other words, I can't be a man but I can't not be a woman - she doesn't despair of me. I told her that the last thing I ever wanted was to disappoint her, and she just smiled and hugged me and assured me that I could not possibly disappoint her, ever. Which to me is the Holy Grail of words ever said to me.
My thoughts escape me now, and I have sort of made myself cry. (Such a wimp.) The gist of the end is that she suggested I talk to someone about my inner turmoil and confusion, and that perhaps it will help. I may indeed pursue this.