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scarlet city » clever & decadent & athermantic & amber
April 15th, 2011 
Why hello there, LJ, it is I, your occasional patron scarlet-city. What an odd thing, to go so long without an entry because nothing in my life changes except the walls that surround me, and then - one day, everything starts changing. It's all in the process still, so I can't say with certainty, and yet...

I lost my job in mid-March due to scheduling conflicts - but I start my new one on Monday, in Huntington Beach, as an IT intern. Learning, all there is is learning: how to be a better person, how to keep a job, all the things I need to know to pass the A+ exams.

I lost Laurel in September when she went to Britain, in my mind having grand adventures, and though she must return to Berkeley she doesn't want to. And who would? I'm sure Britain is a much more interesting place especially to American girls who have no sense of patriotism. But I found a new friend, a guy at my school named Eric, and I wouldn't have imagined but I'm no longer pining for Laurel. I'm too busy having awesome times with him, even these things we call words seem fresh and captivating more than they did before, when I'm with him.

I lost my home in October 2009, and have been moving since then, fighting not to be in these boring, life-stealing mountains - but with this job, I will save enough money, even earn enough money, to live on my own. Not only that, but of course all my desires are just out of reach - I found my "home," a beautiful, safe, clean, mesmerizingly adorable apartment just around the corner from my school. It is surprisingly affordable, given Orange County's propensity for lavish, exorbitantly expensive studios. (It's actually a one bedroom but shh.) Nevertheless, I cannot afford it... yet.

But one thing never changes: My dad really never stops being a huge asshole. In trying not to return to the mountains I have on a few occasions slept in my car, because I am not allowed at his house, and I hate to disturb Rory more than necessary. When I try to tell him this, it's like he doesn't hear me. Worse, I told him recently that a security guard asked why I was there (sleeping in the parking lot of my dad's hospital) to which I explained I was my dad's daughter with nowhere to go, and my dad told me this knowledge irritated and distracted him, and that it wasn't my business to connect him with me in such a situation. (This was actually a test on my mom's part to see his reaction and didn't actually happen, and damn if it didn't show his true colors.)

He also said that no, Sandy didn't want to talk to me and try to reconcile our strained relationship so that I could stay at their house. Needless to say that when I asked him for help hoping he would help get me an apartment, I was denied. He has basically cast me out, and he thinks he's in the right for it, and paints me as the bad guy. Of course it's my  fault for being different and wanting piercings and tattoos. Of course it's my fault for getting Bs occasionally when I should have all As. Of course I'm the one who must have instigated this rift with Sandy and she never did anything to warrant my dislike, and she's perfectly justified in keeping me away from my father as much as possible. I must be the poisonous influence that will constrict their family and thus I must at all costs never see their children because I will corrupt them to a life of horror and trash.

I lost my dad when he married my stepmom, and he isn't going to come back.
11 serious shit
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